As a kid growing up in Southern California, I never really thought about my father’s views on political issues—I was too busy with sports, school, and determining a way to find out if my crush liked me or not. But as I matured, I developed my own unique perspective on hot-button topics based on experiences with different people, situations, and my own intrinsic moral compass.
Sadly, our perspectives happen to fall on different ends of the political spectrum, and this ideological divide keeps us from being as connected and close as I would hope. And our situation is not uncommon.
According to Pew Research Center, Republicans and Democrats are more divided along ideological lines than at any point in the last two decades, and American families are no exception.
“Everyone digs in,” says Quint Paige, LMFT, an adjunct faculty at Pacific Oaks College’s School of Cultural and Family Psychology. “And you can’t persuade the other side with logic because these are not logical issues. These are emotional issues and logic does not override our emotions. In these situations, our emotional and survival brain rule the day over our thinking and learning brain.”
So, why does political ideology play such a large role in family dynamics, and what can be done to negate its potentially negative impact?
While we have the autonomy to choose many things in life, family isn’t one of them. We trust one another, often more than any other individuals we develop relationships with throughout life.
This is why it can become so volatile when we disagree. And while some friendly family squabbling can sometimes strengthen a bond, disagreements over sensitive political issues such as abortion, the right to health care, and immigration can leave us feeling a sense of betrayal.
Marilyn Davis, Psy.D., LMFT, and adjunct faculty at Pacific Oaks’ School of Human Development, believes cultural context is a big reason for why it can seem more difficult for American families to find common ground.
“Families who represent a high-context culture, like in many Asian, Arabic, and Latin American countries, tend to value collectivism and will do what’s better for the group over the individual,” says Dr. Davis. “If someone has a value difference, such as over a certain political policy, it’s going to be squashed because that’s not as important as the whole family dynamic.
“However, in the U.S.—which is a low-context culture—we place greater value on what people say,” she continues. “So, if someone says they have a certain belief and it conflicts with our own beliefs then we tend to understand the issue as black and white, with little room for compromise. This is why the language we use becomes much more important.”
The prevalence of family disagreements also depends on the interpersonal relationship between the debaters.
For example, political jousts between spouses can be difficult, but at least they often endure a “feeling out” process before committing to each other long term. And we can choose to spend less time with members of our extended family whom we disagree with. According to one study, since the 2016 election Thanksgiving dinners in which the hosts and guests lived in politically opposite voting precincts were up to 50 minutes shorter than same-party precinct dinners.
However, children and their parents are stuck with each other, and a 2015 study in the American Sociological Review found that more than half of all children in the U.S. either misperceive or outright reject their parent’s political party affiliation. This makes confrontations within family homes the most difficult to avoid.
“Healthy debate among families is a good thing,” Paige says. “But at the moment our political environment makes it so hard.”
Acknowledging this issue is the first step toward resolving it. And for families who wish to engage in discourse beyond surface-level topics, there are some key factors to be mindful of. First, know that many arguments share one thing in common: they trigger a stress response in our body. Paige prioritizes this topic when working with families.
There are three basic responses we experience under stress: our nervous system will speed up (often known as the “fight-or-flight” response); our nervous system will slow down, socially withdraw and in the worst case dissociate (i.e., deer in the headlights or fainting); or we will become fearful and hyper-vigilant (“waiting for the other shoe to drop”).
Paige believes awareness about these response mechanisms can help families recognize them during a heated political disagreement.
“They need to know how our bodies deal with stress in order to help regulate their response to it,” Paige says. “This is where you can have a chance to self reflect about what is going on, work toward trying to regulate yourself, and that in turn can help regulate those around you. Sometimes it is appropriate to say, ‘I am a little worked up and I need to move away from this right now.’”
Family members should also be mindful of generational differences in perspective that, naturally, make up a family unit. And they should be having potentially divisive conversations face-to-face, as opposed to quarreling via text, email, or social media. Without the ability to decipher tone or facial expressions, these forms of communication can leave too much room for misinterpretation.
But even if family members are unable to recognize their stress response and self-regulate it, and find themselves growing apart after a falling out, it’s never too late to repair the damage.
“Trying to repair a relationship with a family member begins with self-awareness, rather than addressing the other or blaming the other,” Paige says. “Reach out to your family member and start with something like ‘I recognize you have a different point of view or perspective and I hope we can find a way to come back together because our relationship is far too important for us to be separated by these individual beliefs.’ There are many other positive experiences we share together as families. We don’t need to throw those out the window over politics.”
Read articles from the Summer 2019 issue of Voices:
Under the microscope: Education in America
Out with the new, in with the old
Per-spec-tive: A word from President Dr. Jack Paduntin
Learn more about Pacific Oaks College
If you would like to learn more about the academic programs available at Pacific Oaks, fill out the form below to request more information, or you can apply today through our application portal.
